My anxiety continued to be there most days, but I could hide it and manage it. I was still on medication and had received some counselling. I was still able to go to work and take the kids to and from school, and I could go to local places if they weren’t too busy. Too many people had now also become a no no!
Then my daughter started struggling. She stopped wanting a relationship with her dad. She was angry at his lack of interest. She also started getting bullied in school (these two things may all have been connected).
My focus shifted immediately, and I wanted to do what I could for her.
For the next few years things got worse for my daughter (I will tell the story in another post with my daughter’s permission), but I knew I had to get my mental health as good as I could get it to be able to help her.
I participated in a mindfulness class which was enlightening, and I began to see a counsellor who was amazing. I went to the local Buddhist Centre and just felt peace. I participated in meditation and found that I enjoyed guided meditation or meditation to music. These things had always been out there, but I don’t think I was ready to heal properly up until this point. I had just been putting one foot in front of the other each day. I still use all of these tools and go to counselling and the Buddhist Centre as they all benefit my life.
I have learnt so much about myself over these last few years. I didn’t deal well with the bereavements in my family. I didn’t deal well with the redundancy or the break-up with my ex. I just got on with it as a lot of people do, I was functioning and not living. Experiencing any type of trauma; and there are many different types of trauma, leaves an imprint on your subconscious and so I know everything that’s happened in my life has helped shape me into the person I am today.
I now try to deal with things when they happen. I don’t want to feel so lost any more.
I have grown in confidence and self-esteem and people have commented that I am like a different person. I honestly feel like a different person. I know that my anxiety stems from loss and not being in control. I now know that I can’t control every situation and I accept that. I am more at peace within myself.
I still have anxiety at times (I had an anxiety attack this week), and I know that too much stress can make me feel anxious, but I know how to deal with that. Hopefully going forward I can improve even more as I continue to work on me. I know that I will always have things to work on and that’s ok. We can all do things to improve our lives.
I don’t want to feel the dread, the inability to sit still, the sweats or headaches. I don’t want to have a poorly tummy or feel the tension in my back or shoulders. All the things I feel when I have an anxiety attack! That complete loss of control. I know I need to talk about how I feel, ask for help when I need it. I am much better and improve all the time, but I still have goals I want to reach.
Anxiety sucks, and sometimes you feel like there’s nothing that will change it. Don’t ever give up. If I can make these changes after nearly 10 years, so can you.